Whiskey and secrets

 

 

Whiskey and secrets

if I whispered it to you would you keep it?

Would you hand me a pen? Let me write it

down, beginning to end

or would you cluck your tongue

shake your head, lips in that strange embrace

you don’t need words, I can see from your face

you don’t understand, it’s not something you’ve

heard before, so before I become a great bore

let me gather my things

i know the door

Apple Pie

Old words spoken sweetly
Fill the screaming silence
Pluck away the withering weeds that fill
the gaps, no in between
A simple storm is brewing
One part hope, and one part rage
Scientist is sitting in the darkroom
Watching, waiting, for the film to fade
Apron, pearls and deadly blank eyes
Mamas in the kitchen, baking apple pie
My head is hot and my hands are cold
I wonder why, pouring a glass of water
Is it that I’m waiting to die?

Poem, searching for title

I can hardly say when it happened
all I know is that it did
One moment I was so sure,
then I felt something in me shift
Don’t know where I’m heading anymore
once, my future was all mapped out
I do not need to prove myself
The bitter bile and burning need
haven’t dug their claws into my chest,
not since a while
Though I am calm, I’m restless
This strange state brings into mind a poem
written by a different version of me, age
nine
The need to leave, to travel so far that all memories of my old life are but an echo, a furious scribble in a journal, tossed under the bed and forgotten
C.C.U.

Hello is the easiest word

A new friend, a new class, country, city,book, house or lover, those Hellos! So easy and uncomplicated, often with no worries attached, the future being a distant concept or theory not to concern yourself with. You have no thoughts of the end, not at the very beginning at least, the first hopeful Hello! The waiting lounge in an airport is my happy place, all is just beginning then. I usually start checking out in the last 20 pages or so when I read a book, no need for heartbreak over fictional characters that way, it’s how I do everything, it’s how I survive. Sometimes I even avoid Hello. I used to avoid Hellos of all different species, if there is no beginning the end can’t kill me. Things have changed, painfully, incrementally I’ve let in people and places and books that will inevitably hurt me. My dog is getting put down tomorrow, and I’m here off and on. Feeling things I know I could block out if I really wanted to. It’s easy just shut it off, withdraw, distance myself from reality. But no, I’m here. I’m staying here.

I love you Foxy. Best furbaby there ever was.

Crippling depression

I hate myself. I hate myself a lot. My bed feels nice, but my skin doesn’t. I’m tired of having so many shitty days, I don’t want to feel like this anymore. Need a good fictional universe to get lost in, reality doesn’t hold any interest for me at the moment. It’s beautiful outside today, fuck off sun, give me a thunderstorm, the louder the thunder the better. I ate soy sauce on my lettuce today, it was disgusting and now I’m endlessly thirsty, also my gums hurt, but that may be from the chain smoking. This post is about nothing other than my god awful mood, hope I snap out of it. Wish me luck.