1. sleep. Just go to fucking sleep. A natural human  function is my enemy. Sleeping pills don’t work anymore unless they’re in handfuls and washed down with some whiskey, but even then they could just as likely lead to sleepwalking through neighbourhoods and climbing on top of signs. That actually happened once. I’ve been thinking a lot lately, about my life, not just life in general. Why am I alone, will I ever find someone who loves me and who I love back? Am I even capable of giving away the trust that is necessary to love? Why did I watch outlander? Man that show fucked me up. It’s all fun and games until a witch trial, or murder, or Jamie gets raped, or dies, but doesn’t die, but the fucking writers make you feel like he’s dead for like three episodes, and then you start believing in true love again and it causes you to cry, but you keep crying because you realize you’ll never find it. Jamie isn’t real, at least not for you. Then you take all the pills and ask for an extension for a paper which is refused because the professor is an android and not really human. Angry, high on head meds emails are sent. They are deeply regrettable, I mean soooo regrets man. In all honesty though, I really don’t want to be here, it’s all too much. I’m feeling things right now that I’ve never felt before, it’s very deep pain that I have not let out of the box. Ever. My impulse is to drive it back down with something, drugs, alcohol, food, tv, social media etc. My addictions are legion. I haven’t yet. I’m just sitting here with it. Do I have any fucking idea how I’m going to move forward? Write my papers and exams? No. I don’t have a plan, nothing to get me through just now, just right now. Having your mind opened to possibilities is the most terrifying thing in the world because it opens your heart to ever more disappointment, possible disappointments that is. It’s not safe, it’s not comfortable. It’s life and I find it harder than most.

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