Just a few short days ago I was very seriously contemplating suicide. The urge to escape it all, my pain, my mistakes and my past was overwhelming. I’ve never felt so close to it before, death, I could feel the empty void, the nothingness, and most of all, the absence of pain. If I’m being honest with myself that’s what this was really about, the weight of my pain seemed to exceed my personal strength, I did not think I could carry it anymore. If you feel like this now or in the future I urge you to reach out to everyone and anyone, I’m serious. For all the stupid shit I’ve done in my life, this would have been one mistake that I could not have come back from. Death is final. We all die eventually, and we’re dying little by little everyday, why not wait out a few more, and then a few more, and then a few more after that. Keep doing this until life no longer feels like waiting. I’m not going to lie to you ever, I don’t know how many people will even read or follow this blog, but I always want to be honest with you. Am I happy now? Has my life made some drastic turnaround? No. I still have a disaster of a school year behind me, I managed to drop my gpa quite a lot in a short amount of time. I still have to study for an exam in a class where I’ve all but given up. I’m going to get the first D of my life, and I’m terrified I’m not going to get into law school now. The thing is though, I never really wanted to be a lawyer, I just thought that it seemed like an acceptable thing to tell my parents when they asked me wtf I’m doing with my life. I don’t know, I have no fucking idea, I feel lost and like a wanderer who’s been forced into a sedentary life. That’s the thing though, not knowing, maybe someday I will find my calling, feel comfortable in my skin, maybe someday I’ll be happy. And maybe not, but if I had succumbed to my suicidal desire, then I would not have had the chance to find out.

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